Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
