I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
