i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize