I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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