i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
