I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
