how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
