I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
