I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
