So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
