Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
