wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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