Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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