Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
