the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
