We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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