Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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