i need an iv and a liver transplant
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
