What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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