last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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