I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
