last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
