somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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