she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
