She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
