My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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