you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize