he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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