My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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