I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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