Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
