I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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