Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
