All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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