Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
