i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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