walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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