The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
third nipple confirmed
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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