she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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