i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
