Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
