I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
