Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
