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I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
