Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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