i think i have herpe
just one?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
