when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
