I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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