sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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