headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
