Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
