Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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