Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I will pee on everything he values.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
