Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
