And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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