Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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