I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
