I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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