The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
