I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
