I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
