I wish I only lived at night.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
