Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
